Don’t Read This Post…
This is a post that I don’t really want to write. I don’t really want you to read. I write it only because I want the record to show the truth. I’m not really who you think I am…
I started writing this post yesterday, got 500 words in and then deleted it because it wasn’t positive and upbeat. It didn’t have a message, a call to action and it probably wouldn’t have spurred any need to support what it is that I do. What it fundamentally was was a whinge…and I don’t think I’m a whinger.
After yet another night of insomnia, resulting in a more tired and more grumpy Cate today, it would seem that attempting to post the same thing again would probably have the same result. I spent the morning thinking about this and decided that I would indeed write it again for the soul purpose of keeping it real. If people think less of me because of it, then so be it.
I would love to say that I have returned from Indonesia triumphant having achieved everything I set out to do, but that wouldn’t be the case. For the most part I am happy with the progress so far, but there are a lot of things that I’m not happy about. I can’t change anything that I’ve done or didn’t do, or go back and work harder, and I question whether that would have realistically even been possible.
I promised when I started this blog that this would be an open and honest account and at no time more than now have I ever wanted to put on a brave face and act like everything is rosy. And I should be happy. And that’s why it hurts so much that I’m not. I can’t pretend that everything is rosy, that I’m satisfied with my efforts and that I’m full of hope for the future. I can’t do it because it’s just not true.
People tell me regularly that I’m inspirational. I’ve had some huge compliments from people who think that what I’ve done is exceptional. I’ve had people make comparisons of me to iconic humanitarians whose shoes I wouldn’t even dare to attempt to fill.
I’ve read a lot about people who do this work and what drives them and I don’t know if I’m different to them, or if they just aren’t telling the truth but the only thing that drives me now is an overburdening weight of responsibility and fear.
Almost every waking moment of my life since returning from Indonesia has been filled with a longing to put my life back to where it was before I left. I don’t even know what happened or where it went wrong, all I know is that I’m not the same person and everyone seems to treat me differently now. People who used to speak to me daily before I left barely speak to me at all and while my already meager tolerance for first world problems has reduced even further. It hasn’t reduced my ability to make menial small talk and I’m more than willing to engage with anyone who speaks to me, but perhaps their perception of me now is that I have no time for small talk.
Maybe there’s a sense of completion in people’s minds. Like the work has been done and their contribution is no longer needed but the ability to sell raffle tickets, sponsorship… or anything else for that matter has dropped off. For me the urgency is more real than ever, the need is more personal than ever. I have sat with the tiny faces and talked. I know these children on a personal level. Before I went to Indonesia this was a story, now for me its reality. I can’t share my experiences with people any more than through the written word. It’s not enough for people to feel like they truly need to invest in these children. We’re complacent and uncaring. We accept that poverty is a fact of life and that third world countries will always be third world. There’s nothing we can do.
People don’t want to hear me complain, they don’t want to see my failings, they want to believe I’m something that I’m not. I see everything now that I’m not. I’m not a salesperson, a marketing or a PR specialist. I’m not confident, outgoing. I’m not a people person. I’m not comfortable asking for help. I don’t even really enjoy socialising. And more than anything, as was almost my greatest fear, I’m not tough enough to do this work. I am weak. I am vulnerable. I care too much.
I don’t see Indonesia any more – I see Kadek, Wayan, Raya, Nyoman and a dozen other children – my friends that need my help. Children and families that I’ve personally guaranteed assistance to, because I can’t walk away having seen their needs and do nothing. I just can’t.
I feel isolated. As isolated as I felt when I was homeless. I don’t feel like anyone really understands what I’m going through and as much as I can tell people there’s no way I can make anyone really “feel” it. And I am responsible for my own misery because this is what I chose to do.
I cry. I cry a lot. I cry because I left a 9 month old baby who I knew was severely malnourished on the streets with her mother and I came home to my house which I complain is not big enough. I snap at my children because they complain that it’s not their turn on the DS or that they can’t watch the DVD that they want to watch because they have to share. And my skin crawls the moment I hear them say “I’m starving”. I don’t know if that baby will still be alive when I return. If she’s not, then that’s my fault.
The smell of the horrible laundry powder on my clothes which still remains instantly takes me back to the endless mind games and con-artists, the corruption and the relentless attempts by everyone to extrapolate money.
I hate Indonesia, I hate their roads, their food, their weather and the only thing that outweighs my desire to make this entire thing go away is the desperate need to continue for the sake of the children.
And over everything else is the constant thought that this is the rest of my life. Every day, until the day I die I will be begging. “Shaking my bracelets” for the sake of these children. And for the most part, I will be ignored.
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Hey you. I don’t know what to say and I know I can’t say anything that will make you feel better anyway. (strange that I rang you only minutes before you posted this though hey? Something told me to call you but….)
You are not being ignored by everyone, but I’m sure it feels like it.
I’m so very sad that you feel so isolated, and all I think I can do right now is send a great big hug your way. Big love
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Cate Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 8:06 pm
You’re always there for me Sooze and I love you.
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I don’t know what to say either.
But everything you’ve said makes perfect sense.
I can’t begin to imagine how you feel about the things you’ve seen and what you’re trying to achieve.
But I think I ‘get’ it.
I wish I could make you feel better. xxx
Thea´s last blog ..Angel
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Cate! Be good to yourself. You are right, those kids need you. But so do your own kids. You are not Mother Theresa (yet!). Do what you know you need to do and ditch the doubts. You are loved for the person you are by people who know you and for the work you are doing by those who don’t.
Cry as much as you need to, but don’t let it smother you. You are the boss.
xxx des
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Love, Des is right and wrong.
You can’t ditch the doubts; you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have them, and this is a HUGE piece of work you’ve thrust yourself into (and are dragging a few of us along with you…;) )and will always carry a massive emotional charge. If you ever start to think that you aren’t emotionally engaged with what you’re doing any more, if you stop caring about these kids as human beings and individuals…then it’s time to get the hell out of Dodge.
But he IS right when he says to cry as much as you want, but not to let the feelings smother you. Keep sharing (here and elsewhere), keep shifting the load where you can (to me, and others), and keep re-focusing it back onto *what you can do right now*. It does look overwhelming in the moment, but only because you want to change the world, a culture, these children’s lives, RIGHT NOW. Break it down, baby, and TRUST. xxx
Tracy´s last blog ..This is NOT the New Look-Edited to add- OK- it IS-
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Cate, it’s your honesty and ability to write how you are really feeling that has captured the attention of so many people already.
If you weren’t feeling overwhelmed, if you weren’t a different person from what you have seen and experienced, if you didn’t cry…then you wouldn’t be human. And you wouldn’t be the person we believe you are.
It’s because you feel all those emotions and many more, that you have the compassion and strength to do what you’re doing. None of us can be strong all the time. But it’s the people who get up and keep going and try again that make a difference in the world. And you are one of those people. Sometimes you won’t feel strong. Sometimes you will need to take time to be just you and spend time with just your family. But in the long term you will help a lot of people, you will change the lives of many children. You will write brilliant blogs for us to read and be inspired by. You may even influence a Prime Minister or two, or three. And most of all, you will inspire your own children to be the best people they can and they will know they are capable of anything. Because their Mum showed them it’s possible.
You are exceptional and inspirational Cate. But it’s also ok to feel the burden of what you are doing. And it’s ok to lean on your friends and family when you need to. And it’s definitely ok to cry and be grumpy. But…it is NOT ok to blame yourself because you can’t be there to help everyone. None of us can change the whole world, but we can change the world for some individuals. Even if you only improve one child’s life, you have a right to be proud. xx
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Cate Reply:
July 12th, 2010 at 8:11 pm
I know I’ll never be happy, no matter how much I achieve or how many children I save – it won’t ever be enough – as long as there are others that need help.
I can’t not blame myself though. It’s one thing to go to these countries and see the poverty and feel helpless because you’re not in a position to help. It’s another completely to be in a position and not help because you didn’t have time and circumstances didn’t allow.
If that child dies, I will always feel responsible and question how I could have managed it better.
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Every so often we need to clean out our friends closet, or sometimes it’s emptied on it’s own.
I look around me and the friends I have now are different from who I knew a year ago, apart from some solids who have shared tears of joy and sadness over 20 years. On the friends – lose a few – gain some better ones for where you are in life today, sounds like you have a few solids too
Be grateful for their support and guidance.
Things will improve, these kids are on their own journey, one you are now a part of. Feed them and clothe them where you can – the best gift you have given them is to have shown them that they are important. That someone believes in them. Tell them they can achieve anything and they probably will! You have had a positive impact on them already and will continue to do so. I bet the little girl you spoke of will be there – kids are amazing – if she’s not, she’ll be with you – guiding you with a gentle whisper in your ear.
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Everything your saying seems normal and expected to me. or the record I hate Indonesia too. In fact I feel the same in any third world country a mixture of shame for being ¨rich¨, despair and depression at seeing poverty, and irritation about being badgered for money. Then back to shame for begrudging poor people the right to pester a rich white girl for money.I went to Bali once and hated it. Mexico left me feeling the same. I know all the holiday makers and putting food on the tables of the Balinese by spending. But I personally couldn´t enjoy my self as intended.
Good luck with your quest- with time the shock and depression will give way to acceptance and you will move forward and do goog things. And be proud of them too
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Oh Cate. I wish I’d read this before I made my offhand remark about ‘wondering’. You carry a huge load on your shoulders. I’m sure you meet people every day who say ‘I could not do that’. There’s a reason for that – it’s damn hard. I think what you’re doing is grieving – the death of an ideal and the birth of reality. But as amandarose says, with the grief will come acceptance. And now you know what you’re dealing with.
At least you’re doing it. You might be down right now, but you won’t be out and you will never die wondering.
For the record, I’m all about the small talk but I’ve been trying to free myself from the chains of Twitter. When you want talk about country singing Wayan, you know where to find me.
lifeinapinkfibro´s last blog ..Romeo and Juliet- A Fibrotown Fable
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Hi Cate,
I don’t know you, I just found you online, and I don’t know if not knowing you means that I don’t know enough to comment. But I admire you for sharing your real feelings. It takes great courage.
I can understand how you would feel sad, dis heartened, like it is all too much, it would be so hard returning to Australia and seeing people get annoyed at selfish little things. But I also think that you could get drowned in these feelings, and then how can you help any more if you are drowning.
Out of all emotions, love is the most powerful, and the one that we can make the biggest difference with. So while you are feeling down, horrible, remember the love. The love is what is driving you, and the love spreads like wildfire when you share it.
Even with your children, it is probably hard for them to understand all of where you are coming from, all they know is what they see around them which is a world of DS’s and DVD’s, and a mum who does the most wonderful things for others but it is confusing because she is sad and annoyed right now. So it might be hard for them to connect with what you are doing as a positive thing for them. But with love you can help them to understand and they may just follow and help you more. I am not at all judging your parenting, as I am not even close to perfect, but sometimes somebody from ‘outside’ can see what I am feeling and guide me to another way which really can help. I may or may not have that way in what I have said above, but what kind of person would I be if I had an idea for you and didn’t share?
It looks like you have some people around you who really do care. And while others have turned away a bit, it is quality not quantity, and as somebody else said, this will leave room for people more attuned with where you are now at to enter.
Hugs.
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Cate you are what you are – an ordinary person who does extraordinary things. You burden yourself with the weight of a nations ‘problems’ – human, economic, social et al. You can not of course, be held responsible for them all, however my admiration for you lies in the fact that you see yourself as accountable to help where you can, whereas most people don’t
And that’s just here, Then there’s Indonesia.
You have chosen a very hard task, but you are doing what most people only think about on the odd occasion that it is brought to their attention through the media. Cry, it makes you feel and it is healthy. If you weren’t overwhelmed/angered/frustrated by what you have just experienced you wouldn’t be the person we know you are.
Bali has a special place in my heart and I will continue to help in any way I can. I hope that we can all help you to make a difference.
Hugs,
Karen.
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Coralie´s last blog ..Clothes swap parties
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The world needs more people like you. It’s the one child that you help, the one person you lift up, the one life that is changed forever because of you.
you are not weak – you are human.
If you aren’t good at sales, marketing or pr – build a team with people who have strengths in those areas.
Never stop – I just want to encourage you – you are doing an amazing thing.
A verse I love to live by … Micah 6:8 ‘To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.’
Michelle´s last blog ..
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Hi Cate,
You know it’s so easy to give money or donate something and the majority of us take the easy way out. You aren’t. You are actually doing something and I bet if you did get that baby’s mum off the streets she would probably be right back there soon enough. Guilt eats away at you and it’s hard to shake, it can make you sick and it sounds to me like you are much needed!
When I went to Bali years ago the smell made me gag and the conditions that people lived in. We gave away so much money when we were there because you do feel guilty for having it.
You’re not Wonder Woman and you don’t need to be. The fact that you are doing anything at all is extremely courageous. I wish you well and send you strength because by the sounds of things you need all the strength you can get.
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Hi Cate,
I dont know you either but have just read your blog from the start and now feel I know a little about your journey this year.
You are far too hard on yourself girl! I have been travelling to Asia and Africa for many years now and have supported, fundraised and volunteered at orphanages for alot of that time. Every time I come home I have a period of difficulty settling back into life in Australia. It is a hard re-entry from the third world to the first.
I just want to let you know that from where Im standing you’re doing GREAT! Everything that you are feeling is very normal. You went overseas for the first time ever, started an orphanage and was referred your first child all in the space of two weeks!!!!!! C’mon take a minute to reflect on exactly how big of a task this really is! You are a peaceful warrior, an inspiration to me, and a legend!!
XX
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Cate Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 9:14 pm
I’ve been called many things Sandie. I have to say “peaceful warrior” is probably my favourite. Thank you, I love that.
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me not ignoring either! in fact, i’ve been reading your posts with new rigour since you went to Indonesia! I love what you are doing Cate. It is amazing! I SO hear you about the trivial stuff that ticks away in your house – the dynamics between the kids, and their seeingly taunting you with “I’m starving”. It is all relative though, and they as yet haven’t been to Indo, so try and soothe yourself with that thought.
you know my offer is still there. we have little money to give, you know our crappy financial situation, but if you want me there, camera in hand, consider it done. it can be a christmas pressie for us both.
tan.x.
Tanya Love´s last blog ..Half eaten apples and foot prints on the stairs…
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Cate Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 9:12 pm
I may just take you up on this Tan.
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Cate I have not stopped thinking about the last line of your post since I read it, which was almost as soon as you posted it. I simply don’t know what to say. I am one of the ones who largely ignore your “bracelet shaking.” It’s not that I don’t care. I do. I suspect because I have a cause very dear to my heart as well that much of my emotional and physical energy is poured into that.
But I learned an important lesson from your post. I may not be able to consistently contribute financially to your fight, but I promise to actively listen to your words. I promise to use my voice when I can to support you. My best won’t ever be good enough, but it will be something. And that’s a start.
Thank you xxx
Seraphim´s last blog ..Fathers Day giveaway
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Cate Reply:
July 13th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
It’s the harsh reality of any sort of activism that your message is not going to appeal to the masses most of the time. I admit that sometimes I get emails from causes that I just refuse to even read because I know I physically and emotionally don’t have the energy to deal with yet another cause. And I also know that if I do read it I won’t have the ability to stop myself from getting involved.
We all have causes that are close to our hearts for a variety of reasons – there are some people who couldn’t give a shit about ANYTHING. There are people very close to me who fit into that category and give nothing to charity.
I don’t expect everyone to give up everything or to always be advocates for what I bang on about, but whatever you can do will always be good enough. Even if it’s just an RT on Twitter or a Facebook post.
This came up today. One person made the effort to email one other person about Project 18 – that resulted in a flood of donations of goods for auction. People under-estimate the little things that they can do. People under-estimate their own strength and ability to make a difference. Just the simple act of acknowledgement makes a difference.
Soz for answering your comment with a whole new blog post. xx
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