Overwhelmed
I just feel the need to bang out a quick blog post, even though I really don’t have the time. It’s self-indulgent, maybe. No one has to read it, I just need to write it.
Here’s where I become torn between expressing my feelings and keeping a brave face – and being “inspiring”. I’m afraid there won’t be much inspiration found on this page. I am human, and I’ve held it all together as much as I possibly can, considering the circumstances.
The fact is that I’m not superwoman. I’m not some mythical creature with a perfect family. I’m as flawed as everyone else. My kids are screaming at each other, there is crap spread from one end of the house to the other, we’re living off the kindness of others and I break down and cry at least 5 times a day.
I promised a warts-and-all account of this journey, here are the warts. I’m exhausted. I’ve been in darker times than I am in now, granted. But I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired. Maybe I’m just older, but every part of me wants to give up and sleep forever. I don’t have the energy to even look at another house, and I don’t have the strength to take another knockback so I couldn’t apply even if I did look.
The uncertainty is turning my already difficult special needs children into complete animals. There is no help. We pack… special needs son follows behind and pulls the boxes apart and takes everything back out. The other one… I can’t even begin to explain.
I don’t expect any sympathy. This is our life. This is what we chose. We chose to have all these children, we chose to put others before ourselves, and we chose to give up looking for a house.
I am exhausted, I’m sad, I’m fed up, I’m angry, I’m sick of society, I’m sick of being judged by non-contributing zeros, I’m sick of hearing about Christmas, I’m sick of false sentiment, I’m sick of being lied to, and I’m sick of people promising shit that never comes. I’m sick of people avoiding me because they don’t know what to say, I’m sick of trying to pretend everything is fine because I don’t want to be the whiny-assed homeless person feeling sorry for themselves. And I’m scared …
But at the end of the day, I still have perspective. This is still not the worst I’ve lived through and it’s all not enough to stop me from continuing on the path I chose.
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Cate you are amazing, inspiring, and a real wart and al woman
Cate I you just reminded me of ‘The Gift of the Magi’ story – only you two also have 9 children, as well! It is ok to complain. Yes, it was your choice but I doubt that you ever really imagined that there would be days, weeks or even months like this! Give yourself permission to cry. I had that superwoman complex. I convinced everyone that I could do everthing & never need any help. So, when the house was full of our 4 & 4 or 5 foster children, no one offerred help – not even when our older daughter went missing. Let your children know that you are a real person who hurts, cries & needs hugs! They need to see that there are downs inbetween the ups. You are a very good person. The winds of life will change directions – we just don’t when. Take a deep breathe, keep breathing & get a large box of tissues or an old sheet! Sending our love, Nikki & family. P.s. Since it is the 14th there, I am 63 yrs old & not enjoying it.
*hugs*
Coralie´s last blog ..Clothes swap parties
Cate, you know that I know JUST how you feel, and it sucks badly. I just wish so much that there was more that we could do for you, but our own struggles are really paramount right now too.
As trivial as it may sound, we *do* have some camping gear if you need it, and lots of hugs and support, which doesn’t pay the bills but I don’t have a magic wand that can.
If anyone has a magic wand – can you wave it in Cate’s and my direction, puhlease??!
Ironically, I read a couple of weeks ago, a “top” news story – Lachlan & Sarah Murdoch had bought a lovely new home – only set them back $23m! Do they realise that with that money, they could completely fund Project 18, buy homes for 10 struggling Aussie families and STILL have enough left over to live in supreme luxury? Sad thing is that those thoughts would never have even crossed their minds – they are probably too busy soaking up the rays whilst sipping cocktails in their custom designed swimming pools with the real world safely locked out beyond their security fence and all interruptions filtered by their security guards.
Sometimes, you just need to throw your hands in the air and have a whinge Cate – there have been many, many times in the past few weeks that I have had to restrain myself from doing the same on our own blog as I really want to keep it up beat and positive, but it’s hard, so very hard, and there is really nothing more I can add except to say that I wholeheartedly empathise with you and your family and hope so much that things turn around for us all next year so we can look back and give this “annus horribilis” the finger in a BIG way!
Ok You may never forgive me but I’m going to just be a hardassed bitch for a minute.
Don’t you DARE lose the person you are in this. Gave up looking for a house? WTF are you talking about? YOU? GIVE UP? Excuse me sister but that’s simply not who you are.
I remember a time when I was broken and wandering. Literally wandering through life thinking I had a clue but so exhausted and beaten and didn’t even know who I was and while you may say things better than I ever could, you were an instrumental part in me picking myself up off the floor, putting on my big girl panties and figuring my shit out.
It’s ok to feel tired and beaten down. And it’s definitely ok to express that. It’s ok to crawl in a corner once in a while and assume the fetal position. But don’t you dare get comfortable there because you are better than that.
I love you and I certainly hope not to make you angry or add more stress in your head right now. But this is not you. So dig in a box til you find your own big girl panties, put them on and get to work.
Cate Reply:
December 14th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Don’t make me punch you.
*ding, fries are done*
Hugs…… and lots of them…. take as many as you need and pass them around
I can’t imagine what you are going.I have no idea what to say. Words are no comfort at a time like this when you really want to scream from the unfairness of it all , but there isn’t a scream to match the pain.
Trish´s last blog ..Honest Scrap (warning it’s only part 1)
Cate, it’s OK to throw your hands in the air and say fuck it when things are as they are for your family right now. I’d be screaming it from tree tops.
I’m pretty sure you’ll get to point in the near future when you feel a little more able to cope with house hunting again and over time things will move in a more positive direction for you. Until then, I think you have right to feel overwhelmed, angry, scared, frustrated and just plain sad. I hope you’ll find some happy moments there too.
Julie´s last blog ..HELPING PREGNANCY TANKLES
hi Cate,
Just caught up on your blog and read todays tweets. Your outlook is amazing. You are such a strong woman.
hugs oooo
Angela
G’day Cate, had a heavy read of your blog here, what can i say? your an amazing lady….you have been at the top…now your scratchin your bum on the ground, but still your out there fighting and caring about others, and i do understand the hardship your going through with housing issues.
All wishes that this may be a good year for you all..you deserve it…
Take care…will stay in touch..